This article was first posted to Usenet in December 1991, and you can see the hilarious replies here: Google Groups Usenet Archive.
Most American usenet readers missed the "modest proposal" reference, and took me seriously. I just saw a Simpons episode that showed a character going around spraying water at lit cigarettes, so one of the writers has read this! Trolling old skool...
Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
by Ian Woolf (1991 usenet post)
Rainforests are ravaged to produce cigarette paper, rivers are
polluted to bleach it white, the greenhouse effect is accelerated,
our streets and parks are littered with butts, and careless
smoker-caused fires result in millions of dollars worth of damages,
with innocent human and animal lives lost. Then there is the
cumalative carcinogenic damage done to the lungs of non-smokers by
"sidestream" smoke -- already there are documented cases of
non-smokers dying of lung cancer directly caused by someone else's
habit. Every smoker who burns their poison leaves and pollutes your
breathing air, is committing assualt with a deadly weapon.
The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has
changed, from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you
like it or not!". To counter this arrogant, aggressive and selfish
behaviour, I propose that non-smokers get ANGRY, and arm themselves
against this threat to their health and comfort -with water pistols!
You see a glowing bunch of leaves, and you squirt them to douse the
fire. You have a fundamental right to squirt, it can give you
pleasure, relieve your stress and discomfort, and it's environmentally
sound.To ask a smoker to refrain from burning his poisonous leaves for a
mere half-an-hour, will provoke a wrathful and self-righteous threat
of violence -- you're trying to deny him his Gods-given "right to
smoke". So of course there is a risk to your health, but that's
reduced if you squirt with a friend or two. Peer group pressure can
come to your aid if you squirt in groups. As you're going to be
threatened with violence if you even ask nicely of a good friend to
refrain from dirtying your lungs, why not go all the way, and take up
the new fun habit of squirting?
Replies recovered from google groups:
More options Dec 23 1991, 7:06 pm
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: kudw...@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu
Date: 20 Dec 91 03:58:14 GMT
Local: Fri, Dec 20 1991 4:58 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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- Show quoted text -
In article , iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes:
> Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
> Rainforests are ravaged to produce cigarette paper, rivers are polluted
> to bleach it white, the greenhouse effect is accelerated, our streets and
> parks are littered with butts, and careless smoker-caused fires result in
> millions of dollars worth of damages, with innocent human and animal lives
> lost. Then there is the cumalative carcinogenic damage done to the lungs of
> non-smokers by "sidestream" smoke -- already there are documented cases of
> non-smokers dying of lung cancer directly caused by someone else's habit.
> Every smoker who burns their poison leaves and pollutes your breathing
> air, is committing assualt with a deadly weapon.
> The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has changed,
> from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you like it or not!".
> To counter this arrogant, aggressive and selfish behaviour, I propose that
> non-smokers get ANGRY, and arm themselves against this threat to their
> health and comfort - with water pistols! You see a glowing bunch of leaves,
> and you squirt them to douse the fire. You have a fundamental right to
> squirt, it can give you pleasure, relieve your stress and discomfort, and
> it's environmentally sound. To ask a smoker to refrain from burning
> his poisonous leaves for a mere half-an-hour, will provoke a wrathful and
> self-righteous threat of violence -- you're trying to deny him his
> Gods-given "right to smoke". So of course there is a risk to your health,
> but that's reduced if you squirt with a friend or two. Peer group pressure
> can come to your aid if you squirt in groups. As you're going to be
> threatened with violence if you even ask nicely of a good friend to
> refrain from dirtying your lungs, why not go all the way, and take up the
> new fun habit of squirting?
To which the doused smoker will respond by beating the crap out of you...
Sorry, but since the average smoker tends to be of the Arnold
Schwartzenegger type up until old age, I think I'll pass on squirting them
and probably pissing them off. (You've seen the smoker without cigarettes; old
scenes of smokers going out to get tobacco even with mad psychopaths running
around outside hardly does the reality of the matter justice!)
Leo
2. K. Shane Hartman
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More options Dec 23 1991, 8:32 pm
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: k...@ai.mit.edu (K. Shane Hartman)
Date: 23 Dec 91 01:54:07 GMT
Local: Mon, Dec 23 1991 2:54 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article sw...@skat.usc.edu (Rob Sweet) writes:
> The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has changed,
>from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you like it or not!".
>To counter this arrogant, aggressive and selfish behaviour, I propose that
>non-smokers get ANGRY, and arm themselves against this threat to their
>health and comfort - with water pistols! You see a glowing bunch of leaves,
>and you squirt them to douse the fire. You have a fundamental right to
>squirt, it can give you pleasure, relieve your stress and discomfort, and
>it's environmentally sound. To ask a smoker to refrain from burning
>his poisonous leaves for a mere half-an-hour, will provoke a wrathful and
>self-righteous threat of violence -- you're trying to deny him his
>Gods-given "right to smoke".
And then smokers will arm themselves with .357 magnums in order to
ventilate the brain pans of militant non-smokers armed with water
pistols. Is that what they call an airhead?
-[Shane]->
3. Joe Pollock
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More options Dec 23 1991, 9:11 pm
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: poll...@milton.u.washington.edu (Joe Pollock)
Date: 23 Dec 91 04:32:07 GMT
Local: Mon, Dec 23 1991 5:32 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article k...@ai.mit.edu (K. Shane Hartman) writes:
>And then smokers will arm themselves with .357 magnums in order to
>ventilate the brain pans of militant non-smokers armed with water
>pistols. Is that what they call an airhead?
>-[Shane]->
Water pistols can hold more than water... (but check the solvent's effect
on plastic, first)
What? Me make a flamatory suggestion? Naw... 8-]
4. Ian Woolf
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More options Dec 23 1991, 10:07 pm
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf)
Date: 23 Dec 91 10:23:48 GMT
Local: Mon, Dec 23 1991 11:23 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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k...@ai.mit.edu (K. Shane Hartman) writes:
>And then smokers will arm themselves with .357 magnums in order to
>ventilate the brain pans of militant non-smokers armed with water
>pistols. Is that what they call an airhead?
>-[Shane]->
Maybe in your violent country, but that's illegal here in Australia. Very few
people legally own guns, let alone carry them. In the US, maybe you have a
problem with a ridiculous attitude to weapons, but shouldn't smokers be equally
worried that the non-smokers whose lungs they have violated may pull a gun on
THEM? What's sauce for the goose...
If tobacco really makes people that violent, then maybe it should be controlled.
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5. Ryan Craig
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In article iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes: > Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal > Rainforests are ravaged to produce cigarette paper, rivers are polluted >to bleach it white, the greenhouse effect is accelerated, our streets and >parks are littered with butts, and careless smoker-caused fires result in >millions of dollars worth of damages, with innocent human and animal lives >lost. Then there is the cumalative carcinogenic damage done to the lungs of >non-smokers by "sidestream" smoke -- already there are documented cases of >non-smokers dying of lung cancer directly caused by someone else's habit. >Every smoker who burns their poison leaves and pollutes your breathing >air, is committing assualt with a deadly weapon. > The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has changed, >from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you like it or not!". Oh, this is too good, I just have to flame it, and watch it go up in smoke (pun entirely intended). This is total unmitigated balls and bullshit. I smoke Canadian cigarettes, made of Cdn grown tobacco, rolled in Cdn produced paper, the amounts of which are produced, compared to the fine white writing paper that everyone use, are minimal. And if they can produce paper without using bleaches, they can do so for cigarette tubes. Also, I usually dispose of my butts in the proper place, and even if I don't, they are biodegradable. Yes, they can start fires, but so can candles, matches, faulty wiring, etc.. And, as far as second hand smoke goes, I, and most smokers I know, go out of our way not to bother others. If you don't like the smoke in bars or other public places, don't go there, nobody's forcing *you*. Well, I'll shut down the flamethrower for now. -- +--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+ |Ryan Craig: Comp Sci Co-op, Dalhousie University | Disclaimer: My opinions| |cr...@ug.cs.dal.ca are mine, all mine, and you can't have them| +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
More options Dec 24 1991, 7:42 am
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: cr...@ug.cs.dal.ca (Ryan Craig)
Date: 20 Dec 91 13:07:44 GMT
Local: Fri, Dec 20 1991 11:07 pm
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes:
> Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
> Rainforests are ravaged to produce cigarette paper, rivers are polluted
>to bleach it white, the greenhouse effect is accelerated, our streets and
>parks are littered with butts, and careless smoker-caused fires result in
>millions of dollars worth of damages, with innocent human and animal lives
>lost. Then there is the cumalative carcinogenic damage done to the lungs of
>non-smokers by "sidestream" smoke -- already there are documented cases of
>non-smokers dying of lung cancer directly caused by someone else's habit.
>Every smoker who burns their poison leaves and pollutes your breathing
>air, is committing assualt with a deadly weapon.
> The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has changed,
>from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you like it or not!".
Oh, this is too good, I just have to flame it, and watch it go up in smoke
(pun entirely intended). This is total unmitigated balls and bullshit. I
smoke Canadian cigarettes, made of Cdn grown tobacco, rolled in Cdn produced
paper, the amounts of which are produced, compared to the fine white writing
paper that everyone use, are minimal. And if they can produce paper without
using bleaches, they can do so for cigarette tubes. Also, I usually dispose
of my butts in the proper place, and even if I don't, they are biodegradable.
Yes, they can start fires, but so can candles, matches, faulty wiring, etc..
And, as far as second hand smoke goes, I, and most smokers I know, go out of
our way not to bother others. If you don't like the smoke in bars or other
public places, don't go there, nobody's forcing *you*. Well, I'll shut down
the flamethrower for now.
--
+--------------------------------------------------+-------------------------+
|Ryan Craig: Comp Sci Co-op, Dalhousie University | Disclaimer: My opinions|
|cr...@ug.cs.dal.ca are mine, all mine, and you can't have them|
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
6. bpharmon
View profile
More options Dec 24 1991, 7:42 am
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
From: bphar...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu
Date: 20 Dec 91 13:57:04 GMT
Local: Fri, Dec 20 1991 11:57 pm
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article , iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes:
> Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
> The behaviour and attitude of smokers towards non-smokers has changed,
> from "Mind if I smoke?" to "I'm going to smoke whether you like it or not!".
fooey. Tremendous overgeneralization
To counter this arrogant, aggressive and selfish behaviour, I propose that
> non-smokers get ANGRY, and arm themselves against this threat to their
> health and comfort - with water pistols! You see a glowing bunch of leaves,
> and you squirt them to douse the fire. You have a fundamental right to
> squirt, it can give you pleasure, relieve your stress and discomfort, and
> it's environmentally sound.
>GROAN<
> To ask a smoker to refrain from burning
> his poisonous leaves for a mere half-an-hour, will provoke a wrathful and
> self-righteous threat of violence -- you're trying to deny him his
> Gods-given "right to smoke".
Another outrageous generalization about smokers.
> So of course there is a risk to your health,
> but that's reduced if you squirt with a friend or two. Peer group pressure
> can come to your aid if you squirt in groups. As you're going to be
> threatened with violence if you even ask nicely of a good friend to
> refrain from dirtying your lungs, why not go all the way, and take up the
> new fun habit of squirting?
Whee. I'm sure that will do absolutely nothing to correct the problems
assosciated with smoking. :(
-Brian
Miami U.
If I spoke for someone else, they'd surely deny it.
7. Peter R. Cook
View profile
More options Dec 24 1991, 8:08 am
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
Followup-To: alt.conspiracy
From: c...@vcsesu.enet.dec.com (Peter R. Cook)
Date: 23 Dec 91 14:21:07 GMT
Local: Tues, Dec 24 1991 12:21 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article , iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes...
>There's a huge difference between cars on the road, and someone indoors
>sitting within 3 metres, and causing your eyes to water, your throat to
>constrict, and your asthma to endanger your life. I don't know about your
>country, but we don't run cars inside buildings, so there's no similar
>problem. In the privacy of your own home, or with the permission of those
>who share your breathing space, fine, but how dare you impose your nasty
>habit on other people? What about the right to choose NOT to smoke? What
>right does a smoker have to make a carcinogenic choice FOR me?
We solely exist to end your life. So you will be reduced to
laying in a hospital bed with your life draining away through
broken lungs while we stand outside the window and laugh at
you while you die.
See you in hell.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Peter Cook Quoth the Raven, "Eat my
Digital Equipment Corporation shorts, man!"
200 Forest street
Marlboro, MA. 01752 "1984 has past, forget about Big Brother,
508-467-6936 welcome to the 90's where the government's
Mystic Powers infoline: your mother!" - Scatterbrain
508-562-9516
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
8. Peter R. Cook
View profile
More options Dec 24 1991, 8:12 am
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.individualism, alt.activism, alt.drugs, alt.evil
Followup-To: alt.conspiracy
From: c...@vcsesu.enet.dec.com (Peter R. Cook)
Date: 23 Dec 91 14:23:54 GMT
Local: Tues, Dec 24 1991 12:23 am
Subject: Re: Militant Non-Smoking: A Modest Proposal
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In article , iwo...@socs.uts.edu.au (Ian Woolf) writes...
>kel...@aimhi.enet.dec.com (The Bill Of Rights, Void where prohibited by law!) writes:
>Yet you expect non-smokers to put up with pain and health damage without a
>murmur. This is exactly the reaction I expected from smokers, physical
>intimidation.
I won't assault you, I'll take you to court.
> Doesn't this tell you something about yourself, and most other
>smokers, that you all feel its okay to beat people up because they tried to
>stop you smoking at them? You're just a bully, a violent thug that can give
>discomfort but can't take it. You dirty MY lungs, you expect me to grin and
>bear it; I wet your poison leaves, and you think that gives you the right to
>assault. Typical of the sort of person who smokes.
You're nothing but a militant f*cking butthole. Where do you get
off dishing out threats? You threaten, people threaten in return
and you get upset? What did you expect?
Life is give and take. If you violate people's space by blasting
them with a water gun, they will beat your body repeatedly. It's
a natural reaction. Of course I wouldn't assault you, I'd take
you to court and make your life a living hell.
In short, get a life.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Peter Cook Quoth the Raven, "Eat my
Digital Equipment Corporation shorts, man!"
200 Forest street
Marlboro, MA. 01752 "1984 has past, forget about Big Brother,
508-467-6936 welcome to the 90's where the government's
Mystic Powers infoline: your mother!" - Scatterbrain
508-562-9516
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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